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Same old stuff.

I keep thinking about Edie, about the fact that my dad asked if I would take her, but I foisted her off on someone else. I thought she would be happier being able to go outside, but now I can't stop regretting my decision. I think she would have been happier with us, and I know I'd be happier with her. I keep thinking over how I could have done things differently, going over the things I would have needed to do in order to bring her home with me on the plane. Going over it again and again isn't helping anything, though. I need to figure out how to let it go.

I've also been ruminating over the Friday night when I went to bed instead of talking to my dad. And a few of the times when his eyes were open on Saturday I didn't go to him because I didn't know what to say, which I now desperately regret. I could have just gone to him and held his hand, and that would have been enough. But no. I just sat there. I didn't realize that time was so short or I would have behaved very differently. I keep remembering his eyes on me. What was he thinking?

I'm just obsessed right now with regrets. I keep crying.



( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 27th, 2007 05:09 am (UTC)
*hugs* I think anyone would feel the same way. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. There was no way you could have known how much time you had, sweetie. Everyone is always talking about how you should always think positively during times like those, so how could you have even *thought* that you wouldn't have more time? I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
May. 27th, 2007 05:44 am (UTC)
I bet this goes on for a while. It all just happened... it's a lot to deal with.

"I keep remembering his eyes on me. What was he thinking?"

Maybe just that a familiar, loved face was in the room with him.
May. 28th, 2007 10:24 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you feel that way. Perhaps it would help to focus on how much good you were able to do with your dad. You were able to overcome a difficult history so that you could have a loving relationship once again. You were able to visit him when he was sick, and again now. He asked you to wait, perhaps because he was hoping that you would be there at the end - which you were. When you came, he was able to relax and go in peace. All of that is really good - and perhaps, exactly as he would have wished it.
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )

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