Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,
Kimberly
kimberly_a

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Dad Stuff

I've been thinking a lot about my dad. Morbid thoughts, like "Am I going to fly out there for the funeral? What would I wear?" I mean, I think I should go to the funeral, but if I have to choose between that and going out to visit him while he's still alive, then the choice is obvious. But everyone will think I'm a terrible daughter if I don't go. As opposed to a poor daughter, which is more accurate. And I feel like a terrible daughter for even thinking all this stuff when he's still alive.

I'm also very worried about his leg. They say that the large tumor is putting a lot of pressure on his spine (that's why they're hurrying to do the surgery tomorrow), so maybe he'll be able to move his leg again after the surgery, but I'm still worried about permanent damage. I'm also just generally worried about the surgery. You never know.

I want to go visit him in October for a few days. Maybe a week. I'm a little nervous about staying more than a few days, because what would we say to each other for that long? I mean, we never talk on the phone for more than a few minutes. And I couldn't just retreat into the Internet for part of the day, since he isn't online. I'd just be ... there ... with nothing to do. I have no idea how he spends his days. He doesn't live in a town or anything -- he's out in the middle of nowhere. But staying only a few days when I have no job or anything seems sort of impolite.

I guess I'm worrying a lot about what other people will think of me. That's nothing new.
Tags: dad
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