Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,
Kimberly
kimberly_a

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Dad

My dad's scans came back clean. No tumors except for the two on his spine: one large and one small. From what my dad says, they're only going to operate to remove the large one, but that doesn't sound right to me. I'd think they'd want to get them both, but I may be wrong.

My dad is scared that he'll end up "crippled" (his word), because he's lost all use of his left leg. (This happened very fast, over the course of a week or so.) I theorized that he might be able to use his leg again after the surgery, but he seemed pessimistic. His balance problems from the brain tumor never really went away after surgery, after all.

He's also fretting about the long term. He's scared that the cancer will just come back somewhere else and they might not catch it in time. That's likely, though I didn't want to say so. This is the third time he's had surgery to remove a tumor. First in his lungs, then his brain, now his spine. It's scary. I mean, that seems like an obvious thing to say, but it's accurate. Cancer is fucking scary.

So he's talking to the doctors tomorrow about the treatment plan. Surgery seems like the clear first step, but that'll be followed by radiation again and perhaps chemotherapy.

I wish we lived close enough that visiting was a trivial thing. Or that we had plenty of money for me to go visit whenever I want to. I would like to be there now, but that's just not realistic. I'd like to visit one more time, but I'm not sure when to do it. Maybe October sometime? I don't want to leave it too late.

I've been trying not to get too upset. There's nothing I can do about it, after all. I cried some when I first found out about the new tumors, but now I'm okay. I try not to think about the long term. About him dying soon. I just focus on what's going on right now. That's the only way to remain sane.

I must admit, though, that I wonder how he'll die. Is that morbid? I think it is. I guess I wonder because I wouldn't want to miss on a chance to see him one more time, and I'm afraid he'll go quick. And yet it would obviously be kinder if he went quickly when the time comes. God, I feel terrible writing this. I just don't know much about how cancer works, and so I don't know how things will go in the end. I just want to see him again.
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