Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,
Kimberly
kimberly_a

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OH my GOD!

Shannon and I have taken to mimicking our invisible neighbor who always yells, "OH my GOD!"

He doesn't yell it as if he's on the verge of orgasm. He doesn't yell it as if he's just found a gigantic tarantula in his bed. He doesn't yell it as if he's just found out he won the lottery. He mostly sounds like someone has just told him that their 16-year-old girlfriend is pregnant, or maybe that the basement is flooding with water from a broken pipe, or maybe that his parents were never actually married, or maybe that the Cubs just won the World Series, or maybe that CSI has been cancelled.

He sounds completely shocked. Every time.

Shannon and I recently got to wondering what kind of guy this is, to be so surprised all the time. I mean, the world just isn't that surprising. This guy yells, at the top of his lungs, "OH my GOD!" at least a few times every day. How low does your IQ have to be in order for you to find the world quite that much of a constant revelation?

It makes me think of Munchkin, our Dumb Cat. If she could talk, she'd probably sound a lot like this invisible God-fond neighbor. I imagine everything would surprise her, and she would frequently find herself unable to contain her shock.

"OH my GOD!" she would exclaim when she discovered that the yellow blanket had been spread out on the love seat in the living room.

"OH my GOD!" she would exclaim when she happened upon a piece of unattended plastic in the kitchen, all ripe for her to chew and drool on it.

"OH my GOD!" she would exclaim when she saw food in the food dishes each evening, as if it had never appeared there before.

"OH my GOD!" she would exclaim every morning when Shannon or I woke up and opened our eyes, since she almost certainly forgets our existence each night.

And so I imagine this invisible neighbor, over in his apartment in the seedy building half a block away. I imagine him shouting, "OH my GOD!" when the TV remote actually increases the volume of his television. I imagine him hollering, "OH my GOD!" whenever he puts his pants on and discovers that they fit. I imagine him yelling, "OH my GOD!" every time his paycheck arrives in the mail.

This guy's gotta be a real Einstein.
Tags: funny
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