November 25th, 2014

don't want the world to see me

Not a great day

Wow. Stupid today. Couldn't (can't) think worth a damn. Had an acupuncture appt at noon & PT at 2 pm—was afraid to go out on my own—ended up asking Julia to give me a ride to acupuncture, and then she waited for me & drove me to PT, too (since she had an appt in that general vicinity at the same time as mine). She's an incredibly good friend.

Told Julia the totally wrong place where acupuncture was. Luckily, she's been to the place before, and so when we arrived at the wrong intersection she was able to figure out what I'd meant to say, and so we got to the right location in the end.

When transferring ice water from my water bottle to my mug at home, I ended up estimating dramatically wrong, pouring water all over the counter, the floor, and myself.

Not safe to go places alone. Not being able to think has been making me very anxious.

While having acupuncture, I nearly had a panic attack. The acupuncturist was putting needles into the tops of my feet, and I suddenly had this flashback to Ernie (step-dad) digging a splinter out of the bottom of my step-sister's foot with a needle, and I was watching, and he turned and looked at me with this scary look & said, "I'm going to stick the needle in YOUR foot next!" It's one of my scariest memories of living with him. I was 6, and I imagined him just sticking that needle straight into the arch of my foot.

I just sat in the acupuncture chair and breathed deeply in and out, kept telling myself to relax my muscles, kept noticing that I was holding my breath & reminding myself to take deep breaths. I kept thinking that if I started to panic, I wouldn't be able to get away, because I wouldn't be able to move with all these acupuncture needles in me.

In the end, I calmed myself down & was okay & even ended up falling asleep in the acupuncture chair (which has happened every single time thus far).

Forgot to eat lunch, or was too busy, or something. But then Shannon took me to dinner at Togo's after I had my flu shot. Then we went to Ben & Jerry's for dessert. A proper date.

I'm considering getting all my hair cut off, because pushing my bangs out of my face keeps rubbing this painful spot on my scalp & it feels sort of like someone has been scrubbing the top of my head with sandpaper, like it might be bleeding. Makes me hesitant to wash my hair! Waiting to decide about drastic haircuts when I'm thinking a bit more clearly, though.

The choice between stupidity (cognitive impairment from higher Neurontin dose) and pain (headaches from lower Neurontin dose) is much more difficult than I would like. The headaches can be excruciating, but what kind of life is it if I can't even go anywhere on my own because I'm going to the wrong places & forgetting to eat & pouring water all over myself? Fuck.

The Most Expensive Afghan Ever is nearing completion. Now I have to decide how to deal with the funky shape, filling in the sides with triangles, but I don't think I'll be able to figure it out with my head the way it is right now. Julia and Peni (her partner) have a bunch of random yarn & are offering to give me some, so I may put The Most Expensive Afghan Ever away until I'm thinking more clearly & just start some other simple project with their yarn.

Anxious and tearful. Can't manage my own life. And my scalp hurts a lot. Don't want to wash my hair, and yet I want clean hair.

Not a great day.