November 2nd, 2014

girl in tree, hiding

My brain, this is how she rolls

I visited the One Word website this morning for the first time in 2 1/2 months & wrote on today's prompt. (It's a 60-second writing exercise.) Wow. I was all over the place, even just within a 60-second time period, my thinking all fragmented and fractured. Kind of scary.

My cognition has changed in interesting ways since I got off the codeine, actually. Without the codeine, I'm better able to follow ideas from outside, but less able to formulate and organize my own thoughts. So, for example, without the codeine haze, I can now more easily follow an audio book or a movie (though reading is still mostly a non-starter). But without the codeine's pain relief (and with the resultant nearly constant severity of pain), I have trouble staying on topic for 60 seconds. When I write things (like this journal entry), it's by writing a few words at a time with constant long pauses for thought, interspersed with revision and revision and revision. I write a couple words (sometimes one word at a time, sometimes 5 or 6, usually not more than that at a stretch), then stop to re-read what I've written, consider what I meant/want to write next, back up to fix something a few words back, then type a few more words, then go back to fix something a few paragraphs back because I realize it didn't make sense, then come back and type a few more words, then stop to think, then write a few more words, then go back to the previous paragraph and delete several words & replace them with a few others, then come back to the bottom of what I've written & type a few more words, then pause to read what I've written & think, then type a couple more words, then stop to re-read everything I've written from the beginning to the end, then write a new sentence in the middle somewhere, then go back to the end and write a few more words, then delete several words, then come back to the end and write a few words, then stop to think ... lather, rinse, repeat.

That's why I haven't been writing many journal entries lately. It's kind of a pain in the ass. Okay, not just "kind of." Definitely a pain in the ass. Each journal entry takes me a couple hours to write, and it's like cobbling together an ill-fitting garment out of tiny, ragged pieces of fabric. Except cobbling is for shoes, not clothes. But I'm not going to go back and fix that, because it would just make this journal entry take even longer to write.

But at least I'm better able to follow outside stuff. I've been enjoying listening to a Harry Dresden novel on audio, though it's a book I've read previously & therefore easier to follow than something completely new. Next I'm going to try a book that's new to me & see how I do with that. When I was taking the codeine, that was impossible for me—because I couldn't remember from one paragraph to the next & so couldn't follow a storyline—but I'm hoping that may have changed.

I've begun working on filling out the forms to file a complaint with the Medical Board of California re: Evil Meds Doc's gross negligence. It, too, is a pain in my ass. (I mean the forms are a pain in my ass. The gross negligence, of course, is also a pain in my ass, but that's not what I was talking about.) It, too, has been taking hours. (The paperwork, I mean. The gross negligence took years.)

I went to acupuncture at Berkeley Community Acupuncture last week & really liked it. I think it helped my head. I could write a lot about the experience, but I think I'll stick with "I really liked it. I think it helped my head." I'm going back.

When the acupuncturist took me into the treatment room (which has 4 or 5 recliners where people get treated all in one cozy, living room-style room), the only other client in there was a woman with extremely hairy legs (bared to allow needle access) & a bike helmet resting beside her chair. I felt right at home.

Okay. Shannon is awake now (okay, so he woke up and came to greet me about an hour and a half ago, but, as I mentioned before, these journal entries take me a long time to write right now) & would like to have lunch with me soon, so I should go replace my yukata with something a little more ... um ... I can't come up with the word, and I don't have time to stop and think about it, and even writing this is requiring lots of stops and starts, but I mean something like "more formal," except something more like "ready to face the day" or "suitable for other people's eyes" or "appropriate for leaving the house." Something like that. I'm not going to go back and try to fix any of this, because I've already spent tons of time on this & I'm going to go put on some real clothes. After I write tags for the entry. Which will probably mean that I won't have clothes on when Shannon is ready for lunch. I need to stop typing now, because . Yeah.