August 12th, 2014

S & me wedding photo

Another good day! Two in a row!

Another nice day!

1. Woke up with a headache that meekly subsided under the weight of 1 measly Tylenol #4 tablet. Take that, occipital neuralgia!

2. Got lots of stuff done. Boring stuff like dishes. But excellent to have finished. Feels good.

3. Went to CWC. Hung out with cool people. Did not allow myself to be too annoyed by non-cool people (e.g., the woman who went to the front of the room & told a very lengthy, somewhat offensive, and extremely inappropriate dirty joke during the noon meeting). Ate a leftover half-sandwich from Togo's for lunch, then also ate the strawberry shortcake Julia kindly offered to me when I sadly wondered allowed how much money they would charge me if I only wanted the dessert & not the whole CWC cooked lunch. I then proceeded to eat Julia's generous second helping of strawberry shortcake, as well. She's trying to avoid sugar and gluten, so I threw myself on that strawberry shortcake grenade. Repeatedly.

4. Had an excellent session with my CWC intern, Sara. Realized during conversation with her (assisted by one of our spontaneous art things) that my "tsunami" metaphor regarding my headaches is almost certainly influenced by my fear of drowning in the ocean & my particular, specific fear of having waves roll over my head. Indeed, the headaches can be scary, though I've never feared that they might kill me, and I have most definitely felt that way about the ocean and its perfidious waves.

5. Went to Writing Group & wrote an excellent poem influenced by (and interacting with) images from some of Shannon's old comic books, which I had brought in to give away and which Crystal had spontaneously decided to use as her inspiration when planning the prompt. I call mine an "excellent poem" because I loved it. Not necessarily wonderful writing, objectively speaking, but enjoyable to write, enjoyable to read out loud, and cathartic. (It was about all kinds of stuff: Southern California, my evil grandpa, and—shocker!—my mom.)

6. Didn't get much of a headache until 7ish. So it turns out that yesterday I only took 2 Tylenol #4 tablets & today I only took 3. I'm a bit concerned that continuing consecutive days with little codeine may increase the likelihood and/or severity of a headache tsunami in my future, but I got through the last one, despite the reduced max dosage, and if another one comes along I'll survive that, too. I'd just rather not have to. The headaches at their worst are really not my preferred way to spend my time.

7. Colored in my beloved "Secret Garden" coloring book using colors I don't normally prefer (mostly yellow, pink, and orange) & adored the result. I should take pictures of some of my favorite pages & post them here. It's really a beautiful coloring book.

8. Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary & I can't believe it's been that long! I still remember our birthday dinner (only 2 weeks after we started dating) & looking at him across the table at the fancy Santa Fe Bar & Grill (now long gone) while some guy played piano in the background & I had little butterflies in my stomach. I even remember the birthday presents I gave him, back when we'd only first begun getting to know each other. Curious to know his thoughts and opinions, I gave him copies of 2 of my favorite books: Wallace Stegner's Angle of Repose and Jose Saramago's History of the Siege of Lisbon. He loved the first and loathed the second, though I'm sure he didn't use the word "loathe" at the time. :)

9. Tomorrow we're going to dinner at Skate's, out at the Berkeley Marina, and I haven't been there in nearly 20 years. It's "fancy-dancy," so I'm looking forward to dressing up fancy-dancy, looking across the table at my love with a lingering memory of those little butterflies in my stomach, enjoying some fancy-dancy food, and watching a beautiful sunset over the Bay. Hopefully without the presence of either literal or metaphorical tsunamis.
dreams, insomnia, sleep

Dreaming of Rapists

Last night I dreamt that I and my sister/roommate/fellow female child had built a sort of "office" for two old male relatives in our bedroom closet. We'd spent a lot of time on it, furnishing it and arranging it just so. Its creation was a big secret—it was a surprise present for them. Their relationship to us was not clearly defined, but I was sort of assuming they were our grandfathers, because there were two of them & that would sort of make sense, if anything in the dream were to make rational sense. They seemed old, they were definitely large, and they seemed sort of ... cold. (Now, awake, I of course interpret these two men as Ernie & my evil grandpa, for reasons which will become increasingly apparent.)

At some point, I was arguing with one of the men about something completely unrelated, and spontaneously revealed the Secret Surprise Grandpa Closet Office to him as some kind of evidence of something (that we were good girls? that he should be nicer to us? that we were better people than him?), but he just pointed out every single stupid thing about it. I looked at it while he was talking & realized that it was way too small for one of them to fit in there (this seems grotesquely sexual now that I'm awake), let alone both. Bookcases filled up most of the space, but there was a small desk set up, as well, which I pointed out. The GrandpaMan just basically said it was all crap & nothing they would ever actually want or use. I felt humiliated and stupid.

Later in the dream, one of the men did something that made me really really angry (I don't remember what), and I launched myself at him, screaming at him, calling him a rapist, knowing that I wasn't supposed to be revealing this (other people were there), that it was a big secret, but I felt defiant, like I was using this word to hit him. Then I ran away. I think I attacked him again later, though it may have only been verbally.

Hmm. Two men, at least one of whom I called "a rapist"? Upon waking, before reaching full consciousness, I thought to myself that they were obviously Ernie & my evil grandpa & the fellow female child was clearly my mom.

The rest must wait for interpretation, because I need to leave the house soon—big plans! Even before the anniversary dinner tonight, big art plans! Sara (the CWC intern) and I are planning to apply mineral spirit acrylic varnish to my mom's old painting today to prep it for collage. Neither of us has ever done this before, so we're wanting to make sure we have as much time as possible to figure it out. Adventure!