August 19th, 2013

blah (artist: Alma-Tadema)

learning to ask for help

I just realized yesterday that I can actually ask friends with cars for help sometimes, now that it's harder for me to go long distances, haul heavy stuff in my backpack, etc. It totally hadn't occurred to me until yesterday that friends with cars might be willing to help occasionally, and that I could ask. I even have two car-owning friends who don't work, and so are often free even during the day.

I'm just used to doing everything myself with no need for a car -- and I've always been proud of it, it's a significant part of my self-image -- but the times they are a changin'.

Maybe my doc will figure out that something non-kidney-related is causing or exacerbating my fatigue, and maybe there will be something we can do about it, and maybe I will go back to being the sturdy, capable, independent gal I was before, able to walk a couple miles wearing a backpack full of 10 32-oz bottles of Gatorade, but for now, I need help.

I'm not so good at asking for help. I never have been. I love to help people and am pretty much always eager to do so, but the reverse is more difficult for me, like I'm proclaiming that I am weak.

Well, we're all weak sometimes, in some ways. Some of us more than others. No shame in it, I know, but it still feels uncomfortable.