February 10th, 2013

run away

More anxious than the average bear

I've been waking up with bad back aches every morning for the past week+, and Shannon suggested on Friday that I try taking a Xanax (anti-anxiety med) before bed, just to see if it made a difference. So yesterday, after taking the Xanax, I woke up with no back ache! But I don't like to take medication if I don't have to, so I didn't take Xanax again … and this morning: back ache!

Also, last night I had anxiety dreams. I know there was something about other people not fulfilling their obligations and/or working hard enough (possibly this was about me?), and I got very angry at them but was sort of passive-aggressive in how I behaved. And there was something about the fact that I don't like my weight. I remember there was some segment of the dream that was just me walking and walking, looking down at the protruding lower part of my stomach, because apparently I was naked.

Most of what I remember about the dream, though, was some long part about school. I went back to my old university, intending to resume classes, but the building I needed had been almost entirely destroyed. There were mounds of debris everywhere: bent girders, jagged blocks of cement, broken pieces of plaster. At first, I planned on fixing it all myself, but after having a good look around, I despaired: "This is going to need bulldozers and cranes and crews of workers! Who knows how long that will take!"

Still, I was trying to work out what classes I would need to take, assuming that they would be offered in some other (inferior? but intact?) building, but I couldn't find the office of an old professor who'd given me an "Incomplete" on my transcript when I dropped out of grad school in 2000. I needed to finish the class, but I couldn't find the guy.

Anyway, so I'm feeling a bit off-center today. The dream seemed to be all about failure, powerlessness, and being disappointed in myself, and the aftertaste lingers.