August 21st, 2011

me blue hair

Penis! Much Ado About Penis!

Today I saw a strange man's penis. It wasn't as much fun as it might sound. Rest assured, though, that it wasn't as traumatic as it might sound, either.

I was inside my own house, minding my own business, walking down the stairs and getting ready to prepare my lunch, when I glanced out the window and BAM! Just maybe 6 feet from our window, some random black guy -- relatively neatly dressed and groomed (not, I would guess, homeless) -- was whipping out his penis and peeing on our neighbors' driveway, using our trash/recycling bins for cover. Cover from everyone else, maybe, but I got an eyeful! I'm not used to being accosted with the sight of strange penises when I'm inside my own house! (Okay, so I don't generally get accosted by the sight of strange penises in other people's houses, either, or when I'm out in the open, or when I'm in government buildings, or whatever. But still, when blithely walking down our stairs into the living room, I think it may be even more of a shock than those outside world penises would be. One would hope I'll never find out. Though there is a sculpture in downtown Berkeley that looks rather like a large, rough-textured penis, and I see it frequently.)

Anyway, so this guy is just boldly waggling his penis at me, taking a whiz on my neighbors' driveway while I stare, dumbstruck, out the window.

My first thought was "Ack! Strange penis!" (though it wasn't particularly strange, as penises go, just unfamiliar -- I'm used to knowing someone a bit better before we get to that degree of intimacy.)

My second thought was "Ugh! Pee! Ew!"

My third thought was "Wait ... is he peeing on our garbage and recycling? No? Whew!"

My fourth thought was "Should I go out and yell at him and tell him to skedaddle? That might involve seeing his penis from a closer vantage point. Should I call the police? Peeing on the neighbors' property is probably illegal, and flashing his johnson at me definitely is."

My fifth thought was "Ah hell. By the time the police got here, he'll be done peeing and be on his way, and I will have wasted the police's time on a frivolous call. Why waste everyone's time and energy, including my own?"

So I didn't go out and yell at the guy, and I didn't call the police ... I just went and fixed myself a hummus sandwich with various veggies and forgot all about it.

But then when Shannon and I left, maybe 2 hours later, to go for a long walk together, Penis Guy was still out there! Not peeing anymore (that would have indicated a pretty impressive bladder capacity), but just lying on the cement walkway to our neighbors' front door, face up, apparently asleep. With his fly still unzipped. (His penis, thank goodness, was no longer visible.) If I'd realized this guy was going to loiter for hours, I probably would have gone ahead and called the cops when I first saw him, but at this point Shannon and I were heading off on an adventure and I didn't feel like stopping to deal with Probably Drunk Barely-Hidden-Penis Guy. Our neighboring building is a rental property, usually populated by students, and I think perhaps there aren't new tenants moved in for the new semester yet ... at any rate, Penis Guy had clearly discovered a pleasant spot to nap in the sun undisturbed, and with excellent access to impromptu al fresco bathroom facilities!

I have no idea what happened next in his strange little story, for there our lives diverged, but by the time Shannon and I returned home a couple hours later, he was gone.

ANYWAY, Shannon and I spent lots of time together this weekend. Today, we:

- went for the afore-mentioned long walk together, with stops at the library (where we both found some books), the Out of the Closet thrift store (where I found two very cute tops that cost $5.50 each ... but when I got to the register, the cashier told me they were 30% off! So they actually cost $3.85 each! What a deal! And Shannon was totally patient with me as I browsed and tried things on. What a saint! He said he also saw a number of nice shirts there, and he plans to return when he's in the market for clothes.), Trader Joe's (where we each got a couple things), and then headed home. According to Google Maps, it was about 3 miles roundtrip. Not a terribly long walk, but it was nice just to hang out with Shannon.

- showered together (I've been a bit shower-phobic the last few days, because my wrists have been hurting enough that I haven't wanted to exacerbate the inflammation by standing under hot water for half an hour. But there's only so long one can go without a good wash, so I bathed with Shannon's company, then iced my arms thoroughly afterward and took some ibuprofen. Note: A penis was also involved in this particular part of the day's events, but much more welcomely.)

- played another game of The Rivals for Catan, using a different subset of the cards and different rules, and it was still very enjoyable (though considerably more complex).

- watched an episode of "Big Brother" in which one of the contestants was talking about "strange food" to which she'd been introduced since coming on the show. One of the examples she gave was something she pronounced as "guaca-mole," which made Shannon and me both immediately reach out to pause the DVR so we could gleefully imagine together the popular arcade game that involves avocados popping up out of holes in a big box, so that you can smash them with a mallet.

Hmm. I know there was more to the day than that, but it's getting late and I'd planned to go to bed at 11:30 (I'm trying to go to bed earlier), so I think I'm going to just accept the fallibility of my memory and the fact that the world will not collapse if I forget to write about something in my journal. Wait ... can we really ever be truly sure of that? Hmm ... I'm willing to take the chance.