May 8th, 2011

blue pattern

(no subject)

Man, I totally lost my shit today. I cried during my entire half-hour walk to Lisa's house, then proceeded to cry all over Lisa much of the morning. It was really weird. I thought I was upset about my recent communication issues with Shannon, but it was a bit odd that I was relatively fine yesterday, and then -- bam! -- I was a total mess. And then tonight I fell apart all over Shannon.

Then I remembered that pretty much the same thing happened around this time *last* month.

Aha. All is explained.

When I was in my early 20's (some 20 years ago), I suddenly started getting PMS, but I didn't know that's what it was, because I'd never experienced it before. I found myself taking breaks at work to just sit in the bathroom and sob uncontrollably for no apparent reason. I thought my job was making me so unhappy that maybe I should quit.

When I get PMS without realizing/identifying what's happening, my brain rebels at the lack of context for the extreme emotion, and I unconsciously look for a rational reason. This becomes very confusing, so it's actually a huge relief to realize that it's actually PMS, because then I can just sort of shrug it off, let myself cry if I need to, but not search for some kind of event in my life as a rational source for the feelings.

I stopped getting PMS several years ago (maybe a decade?), but it seems to be back now. In the olden days, I took vitamin B6 and it seemed to 100% prevent the problem (as long as it took it *religiously* every day of the month), so I guess I'll be heading out to the drugstore tomorrow and hope that my body chemistry hasn't changed enough to make the old remedy ineffective.

At least now I know what's up. Bodies are weird.
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    relieved relieved
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