March 11th, 2003

both cats

On being a grown woman

I noticed something today. I was out and about, and started really looking at the other people around me. Not just the ones who caught my attention & got me thinking, "Wish I looked like that." I started really looking at all the people. And I noticed something.

Most of the women around my age were also around my size. And most of the women considerably thinner than me were also considerably younger than me.

All this time, I've been comparing myself to women who aren't remotely close to my age. I look at an 18-year-old girl and think, "That's how I want to look." Well, that isn't going to happen. Because I'm not a girl. I'm a grown woman.

And I don't want to be 18 again. I haven't just grown physically since then. I've grown as a person. I've learned so much about myself and about the world, about how to be a good person, about how to communicate with other people in honest and open ways, about how to stand up for myself and be strong. I've forged a wonderful relationship with Shannon, a relationship I was not capable of when I was 18.

Why would I want to look like something I'm not? I should be proud to look my age, to wear it as a badge representing the knowledge and wisdom I've gathered in my almost 33 years.

I wouldn't trade that knowledge and wisdom for a thin young body, even if it was possible. I wouldn't trade it for anything.