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Eye of the Beholder

This morning, on my way into the shower, I found myself in front of the bathroom mirror. I was bending over to rinse my mouth after brushing my teeth, and suddenly I noticed how my stomach looked as I bent over. It didn't used to look like that. My body didn't used to fold that way. Who is that person in the mirror?

I found myself holding a roll of stomach fat in my hand and thinking, "This didn't used to be here!" I found myself entertaining fairly obsessive exercise thoughts about how many hours I could spend at the gym if I really put effort into it. How many pounds I could lose if I just got off my lazy ass.

I felt hideous, and -- at the same time -- pissed at myself for feeling hideous.

I want to see that body in the mirror and love it, instead of seeing rolls of fat. Not there yet, though.



( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
Apr. 1st, 2003 04:17 pm (UTC)
brain of the beholder
I know the feeling! Yet I hope you can also remind yourself that you're going through some interesting brain chemistry experiments right now which might have some bearing on the strength and persistence of those thoughts...
Apr. 1st, 2003 04:42 pm (UTC)
Re: brain of the beholder
Good point. You're always so smart.
Apr. 1st, 2003 05:13 pm (UTC)
Apr. 2nd, 2003 01:39 am (UTC)
Oh, I so do that, too.

But you know, it's funny. I was watchiing an old show, probably from the 40's or 50's (still black and white) and these two guys whose wives were always nagging them go out and see these two really pretty women. And the prettier of the two women was probably 50 pounds heavier than I am now. But she looked great, she had a style of dress that really suited her, and she acted like she knew how sexy she looked. Both of the nagging wives, on the other hand, were very skinny and looked like shrews.

It really struck me as a change from modern-day television, and also as a reminder that beauty is in such a large part, what you do with your body, and not how many pounds it has.
Apr. 2nd, 2003 02:57 am (UTC)
Re: Eye of the Beholder
You could ask Shannon what he thinks of your stomach...
You could also imagine this stomach on Shannon and think about how you would feel about that...

I want to see that body in the mirror and love it, instead of seeing rolls of fat. Not there yet, though.

Good luck. You've come a long way. And as webmacher said, your brain chemistry might have something to do with it...
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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