Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,

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I saw the physical therapist today (and wrote a private journal entry full of technical info, but the upshot is that he's very impressed with my progress) and happened to mention that I'd been depressed lately. His response was to to point out that the cherry blossoms are blooming everywhere, and to advise me to go out for walks and look at the flowers and then I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

Responses like this are even more depressing, because he's basically telling me that the depression is my own fault, that I'm not looking at things the right way or I wouldn't be depressed.

When I'm depressed, I do a fair amount of kicking myself for being depressed, criticizing myself for not making it into the shower frequently enough, for not doing the laundry promptly enough, not dealing with the dishes, not being a "fun" partner for Shannon, whatever. I'm very susceptible to Depression Blaming, since I have such a talent for it myself already.

I started crying in the PT's office, which seemed to distress him a bit, but he just kept talking about how I have to take responsibility for my own happiness. I mostly just tried to tune him out once I realized that he didn't understand my explanations about what is going on.

I've been noticing the cherry blossoms the past week or two, as they're always one of my landmarks for the year, but this year they've been leaving me feeling empty and blank. I look at them and I think, "The cherry blossoms are blooming," and I have this intense well of not caring that fills me, this giant BLAH that takes up all the space inside where my caring usually is.

It's not that I'm not trying, people. Not trying isn't the problem. I look at my wonderful husband and I look at the beautiful cherry blossoms and I feel the breeze on my cheek and I see the sunshine and I stretch my muscles as I walk and NOTHING HAPPENS. Something is BROKEN. Something isn't working the way it's supposed to. Whatever triggers the positive response to things just isn't there.

So I don't want people telling me to try harder or to look at things a different way or to take responsibility for my own happiness. Then what do I want? Compassion that it sucks to not be able to enjoy the cherry blossoms. Reassurance that it's not my fault. Gentle encouragement to go for walks or whatever, things that have the potential to bring me enjoyment, without the expectation that I'm going to have a great time. Shannon is really great at all this stuff. Unfortunately, there are a lot of other people in the world who are not.
Tags: depression, depression isn't rational

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