1. The long-running hypomania still has not abated. The medication I'm taking—which has become something of a last ditch effort, as we've tried almost everything—has been sedating me pretty heavily, enough that most of the time in the past couple days I haven't been safe to go places by myself, but I still have spinning thoughts and have trouble sitting still. Even when I'm falling asleep from medication-induced sedation, I can't stop twitching my feet and singing silently to myself. And then I wake up singing, too, even when I'm groggy as hell.
2. The anxiety has been becoming increasingly severe. I've had a number of near panic attacks (extremely scary experiences that someone who's never had an actual panic attack—which make you feel like you're dying—would probably call "a panic attack"), and it's gotten to the point where I can't be in a crowded place without feeling an uncomfortable degree of vigilance and overstimulation. And I'm taking as much Xanax as my Meds Doc is comfortable prescribing, so there's no more help coming from that quarter.
3. I forgot to mention this to the Meds Doc when I spoke to him today, but I've also been feeling a distressing amount of defeatism/depression/sadness/self-blame/e
The timing of all this couldn't be worse. (Okay, it COULD, like if it was the week my wedding or something, but it still sucks.) My in-laws are visiting from Hawaii this week, and we had great plans for hiking in SF & Pt. Reyes together (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, and SIL/BIL's cute dog, Koloa) on Friday, but I don't know if I'll be able to go. I may be heavily sedated and unable to hike, or I may be attending PHP all day, or I may be just be too anxious to face the world. In any case, I'm probably going to miss the super-fun stuff we all had planned. I won't mess things up for everyone else, at least, but I'll still miss out. Cue defeatism/depression/sadness/self-blame/e