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PHP Referral

My Meds Doc referred me to PHP today, and I expect they'll be phoning me on Tuesday to arrange an intake interview. Partial hospitalization again ... yay.

Primary Reasons:

1. The long-running hypomania still has not abated. The medication I'm taking—which has become something of a last ditch effort, as we've tried almost everything—has been sedating me pretty heavily, enough that most of the time in the past couple days I haven't been safe to go places by myself, but I still have spinning thoughts and have trouble sitting still. Even when I'm falling asleep from medication-induced sedation, I can't stop twitching my feet and singing silently to myself. And then I wake up singing, too, even when I'm groggy as hell.

2. The anxiety has been becoming increasingly severe. I've had a number of near panic attacks (extremely scary experiences that someone who's never had an actual panic attack—which make you feel like you're dying—would probably call "a panic attack"), and it's gotten to the point where I can't be in a crowded place without feeling an uncomfortable degree of vigilance and overstimulation. And I'm taking as much Xanax as my Meds Doc is comfortable prescribing, so there's no more help coming from that quarter.

3. I forgot to mention this to the Meds Doc when I spoke to him today, but I've also been feeling a distressing amount of defeatism/depression/sadness/self-blame/etc., even while the hypomania continues.

The timing of all this couldn't be worse. (Okay, it COULD, like if it was the week my wedding or something, but it still sucks.) My in-laws are visiting from Hawaii this week, and we had great plans for hiking in SF & Pt. Reyes together (MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL, and SIL/BIL's cute dog, Koloa) on Friday, but I don't know if I'll be able to go. I may be heavily sedated and unable to hike, or I may be attending PHP all day, or I may be just be too anxious to face the world. In any case, I'm probably going to miss the super-fun stuff we all had planned. I won't mess things up for everyone else, at least, but I'll still miss out. Cue defeatism/depression/sadness/self-blame/etc.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 7th, 2015 05:13 am (UTC)
*hug* if welcome
Sep. 8th, 2015 05:10 am (UTC)
I hope this all goes well. Have your doctors ever considered trying to take you off all of your meds, under close supervision (and probably hospitalization)? Just to see whether the drugs might not be doing what they are supposed to?
Sep. 8th, 2015 05:52 am (UTC)
I would love to do that (go off the meds under supervision, then add or re-add any necessary meds afterward, one by one), because we're quite certain that one of my meds (Xanax, for anxiety) does its job, but we aren't sure about either of the other long-term psych meds I'm on (gabapantin and lamotrigine), both of which my meds doc has talked about removing from my regimen at various times because he isn't sure they're helping me. During a hypomanic episode isn't the right time to try that sort of thing, but it's definitely something I should discuss with my doc. I'm not at all invested in going "drug-free," as so many bipolar folks are, but it's all so convoluted by years of combined changes & we're so far from using the scientific method at this point that it bugs the hell out of me.
Sep. 9th, 2015 11:25 am (UTC)
That all sounds really smart - handling this episode, then trying to figure out the meds. I hope you get to do this, and I'm really glad your meds doctor wants to figure out what's best also.
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )

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