MedsSaw the meds doc yesterday & we made some minor meds changes to deal with recent mood instability, basically just moving some dosages back to prior states, at least temporarily. As of 1/15/15:
- Lamictal back up to 200 mg/day
- Xanax back up to .5 mg 3x/day (with optional additional .5 mg as needed)
- everything else holding stable
HerrickI've decided not to confront Herrick (the guy at CWC who runs a support group and upset me a couple weeks ago). After a lot of thought and discussion with others (friends, therapist, CWC staff, etc.), I decided that it wasn't really Herrick who was causing my intense emotional reaction: it was that he triggered other stuff for me that has very little to do with him. Well, that's my stuff, not his. So I decided that—for now, anyway—I'm going to just work on my own stuff in my own ways, and not give Herrick the letter I wrote or try to initiate any kind of conversation about the things he does that trigger me. And—at least for now—I'm going to avoid the support group he leads. If, in the future, I decide to try his group again and he does something that bothers me, then I'll deal with it in whatever way feels appropriate then.
Jizo BodhisattvaWhen discussing how much I freaked out in Herrick's support group, one of my CWC friends suggested that I keep some kind of physical object with me that grounds me and reminds me that, hey, this is 2015, and I'm 44 years old, and I'm not a little kid facing down a sociopath twice my size. The people I'm facing are not people from my childhood. The situations I'm facing are today's situations, not 1976 situations, and I'm much more able to handle them.
So I got my little Jizo Bodhisattva figurine from my mini-altar and started carrying him around. In the Japanese Buddhist tradition, Jizo Bodhisattva is a particular protector of children, whom he hides in his robes to protect them from demons. He also protects travelers in both the physical and metaphysical realms, and he carries a jewel that banishes fear. He seems very appropriate as a talisman in my life right now, protecting the child I once was, the child who still cowers inside me, and my journeying into my own memories and emotions.
I bought the figurine on my first visit to Green Gulch Farm with my friend Donya, so it also has calming, happy connotations in the modern day for me. Yay Jizo!
String LightsI've been doing a bunch of research lately for ideas about decorating my office with string lights. Strangely, almost all the stuff online about them seems to indicate that the culture at large finds string lights appropriate only for Christmas, weddings, and kids' rooms. Huh? Grown-ups aren't supposed to like string lights?
Well, I bought some string lights & some hooks to hang them, and I'm making plans for how to decorate the ceiling in my office so that it gives a "starry night" kind of feel. I think it's going to rock. Sadly, we don't own a ladder, so I'm also trying to figure out the logistics of how I'm going to reach the ceiling to do all of this, but I think a chair may be sufficient.
I've always wanted a starry sky ceiling, for as long as I can remember. Now I'm going to do it.
Pests!I pulled my much beloved cloak out of the closet a few days ago, because the weather was cold enough for me to wear it, and I discovered, much to my horror, that it has been quite dramatically gnawed by moths. It has several fairly large holes in the wool outer layer. The cotton lining is still fine, so the cloak maintains its structural integrity, but the wool looks pretty ragged. Sadness! I'm researching/contemplating the possibility of patching it or something, but haven't figured out whether there's any way to do it that wouldn't look just as bad as gaping holes. Sadness!
Plus, now I'm trying to figure out how to rid our closet of the moth infestation, and everything I've found online sounds completely overwhelming, involving washing all the clothes in the closet on hot water, scrubbing all the surfaces with vinegar or something, etc. It sounds a lot easier to just never wear anything made of wool every again. Sadness!
Okay, time to shower, wash my hair, and head off to CWC to work on my current "childhood" art collage book.