Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,

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Beauty and size ... of hair and of body

Headaches the past few evenings have been truly terrible. The coloring doesn't really help anymore. I tried to do some "collage mining" (going through magazines, comics, etc., looking for material for collage), but it was a complete failure, as it didn't distract me at all & I realized that the process actually does require some brain function, which I don't really have when the headaches are that bad.

Spent the day taking care of business, for various definitions of "business." For example, Shannon and I have both been working on getting ready for his sister's wedding next weekend. Today I went to have my one pair of nice-but-also-surprisingly-comfortable shoes altered slightly to make them fit better, so that I can wear them to the wedding. I'd initially been planning to wear my Birkenstocks, but Shannon was surprised when I said so, despite the fact that he will be wearing sneakers, and it got me thinking about the fact that I do have these nice shoes that I like quite a bit but never have occasion to wear, and I've been meaning to get them altered for years now. This provides an excellent motivation to finally do so. The dress I plan to wear will look much nicer with these shoes than with the Birkenstocks, because the length will look better with heels. I tried them on together this morning & was pleased enough to haul my butt out to the shoe repair place.

I also got my haircut today. I've been growing it out after the drastically-too-short cut of a few months ago, but I wanted it to look a bit less neglectedly shaggy in the inevitable family wedding photos. Today's haircut isn't an actual disaster, but it's not at all what I wanted. I really need to learn to be firm with stylists about the fact that I don't consider thick hair a problem, and so they really don't need to thin it. Stylists always want to thin my hair for some reason. I rather like the feel of it all thick and curly.

I'd been hoping to just get my hair trimmed a bit in the necessary spots so that it wasn't curling quite so amusingly, but she left the silly curling places & just sort of thinned everything out. So I have a lot less hair than I did this morning, but it doesn't necessarily look any less amusing. It just feels like it's been forced onto some kind of rapid weight loss diet. I have emaciated hair.

Ah well. I purposely got my hair cut a week in advance, because my hair grows very quickly & it may look better in 6 days than it looks right now. If not, I own a lot of attractive headbands and scarves. *shrug*

I found myself smiling to myself while the woman was cutting my hair, because I realized that I really felt no anxiety whatsoever about how the cut was going to turn out. Once upon a time, a bad haircut would have been cause for much angsting and many tears—and therefore I had a sort of haircut phobia & so kept my hair long almost all the time, allowing me to avoid strangers with scissors almost entirely—but now a bad haircut just makes me roll my eyes, shake my head, and consider which headbands or scarves would best match the clothes I plan to wear. (I'm thinking one of the batiks for the wedding. The batiks are my favorites, anyway. I'm a big batik fan.)

I'm not sure exactly what this change in attitude means. Certainly less concern about what other people think, but possibly also less vanity? Can one have simultaneously less vanity and more love for one's body? Because I do love my body more now than at any other time in my life. I still fight some weight issues, but I'm mostly able to dismiss those critical thoughts as unimportant.

Interesting how I've come to feel less critical of my body's appearance over the course of the same time period when my body has been having so many problems. (I initially typed "causing so many problems," which says something complicated about how I view the issue, but my head hurts too much right now for me to analyze it.) Kidney disease (and its accompanying symptoms, such as the severe nausea), diabetes insipidus, cataract surgeries, occipital neuralgia headaches, codeine dependency, plantar fasciiosis, gum grafts, tooth bone loss ... my body has been rather a problem these past couple years. And yet I've come to feel much more comfortable inside it.

Something to ponder when my brain is not exploding.

It sounds like Shannon's getting ready for bed. Maybe his cuddling can help me overcome my headache & fall asleep into blessed insensibility.
Tags: body image, clothing, collage, coloring books, family, hair, headaches, headbands, illness, kidneys, loving my body, melody, occipital neuralgia, self-esteem, self-image, shannon, shoes

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