Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,

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9 out of 10 - but not in a good way

You know how doctors always ask you to rate your pain on a scale of 1-10? My headache tonight is a 9. Even my coloring book is not really distracting me. It's just excruciating, and there isn't really anything I can do about it. I've taken my max number of Tylenol #4 pills, and I'm reluctant to go for any caffeine at this hour of the night: if I knew for sure that the caffeine would work, then I would totally go for it, but I worry that it would instead merely prevent me from sleeping & thus keep me awake to enjoy additional hours of nighttime pain.

I think I'll try to sleep first. Put on an audiobook or podfic in hopes that it will provide at least some small amount of distraction, and lie in the bed, trying not to pressure myself to sleep ... just offering it as a desirable option.

Sleeping doesn't get rid of my headaches—they are generally still there, just as bad, when I wake up (sometimes worse, sometimes waking me up during the night)—but at least while I'm sleeping I'm not aware of them. Any respite would be extremely welcome.

Lisa has advised me in the past that orgasms provide excellent headache relief, but I just can't imagine achieving even the smallest amount of sexual excitement while feeling this way. The idea actually turns my stomach, because it would mean paying even more attention to my body, when all I want is to become numb to its entire existence. I'm not angry or frustrated with my body right now—I just want a vacation from it. I just want it to give me a break, show a little kindness and compassion.

I apologize to those who have contacted me in the past couple days & received no reply (especially you, Debbie), but I've been a bit distracted. I trust you to understand.

I have other things I was hoping to write about, but I don't really have the energy or the brain power. I'll mention them briefly:

1. Shannon and I had a lovely 14th anniversary on Tuesday, including a very romantic dinner at Skates on the Bay. I've been feeling especially aware of the depth of my love for and connection with him lately, and that has been making my life really good despite the physical health issues. Most of the time, I'm feeling pretty happy, in spite of the frequency and severity of the pain.

2. I've been doing some actual drawing in my "Secret Garden" coloring book (because it has some pages that encourage you to do so), which is really cool, because I'm very self-conscious about drawing badly, and I've been feeling comfortable and happy with the results, just enjoying the process instead of judging my "skill."

3. I saw my nephrologist. He said (1) I no longer have diabetes insipidus, (2) my kidney function seems completely stable, and (3) he sees no particular need for me to lose weight. These were all happy things. I had a lot of emotional reaction to #3, but I don't have the energy to write about it at the moment. I could write a very long journal entry on that topic alone. Maybe sometime soon when my brain is working better.

There was other stuff, too, but my brain is done. Time to go eat some tortilla chips to try to settle my jumpy stomach (also a common problem recently), then lie down to try to sleep.
Tags: anniversary, art, audiobooks, caffeine, central nervous system, coloring, debbie, diabetes insipidus, drawing, headaches, judgmentalism, kidneys, lisa, love, loving my body, meds-codeine, meds-tylenol, nausea, orgasm, pain, podfic, restaurants, self-compassion, self-consciousness, shannon and me, sleep, weight

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