Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,

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Whinging is different from whining -- here I do both

I'm feeling totally overwhelmed lately. I've been crying a lot in therapy, in support group, in discussion with Shannon, in discussion with my CWC intern (the one I see individually), etc.

I feel like everythiing is out of my control. I'm messing with my meds, according to my meds doc's instructions, and everything seems wrong now. As of tonight, this is my medication:

Seroquel: 0 mg at bedtime (titrated down from 100 mg a few days ago)
Latuda: 20 mg with dinner (I've tried breakfast, I've tried bedtime, now I'm trying dinner)
Lamictal: 200 mg with dinner (this has been stable for years)
Xanax XR (extended release): 5 mg around 9:30 am
Zoloft: 37.5 mg at breakfast

My anxiety has been terrible (which has been the source of all the crying) and I'm sleeping way too much. I thought the sleeping was due to the overlap of the Latuda and the Seroquel (which are similar meds, both of which can be sedating), so I'll see how I do tomorrow, once I'm completely off the Seroquel.

The first time I took the Latuda (Tuesday night), I took it around 6 p.m., and I was sleepy in the evening, but that was nothing new. It was happening pretty much every evening on the Seroquel, anyway. But later that night, I slept very fitfully and kept waking up, never really sleeping deeply. So I decided maybe it was the Latuda, and so I took it in the morning the next day. Still sleepy all day, but slept better at night. I keep trying the Latuda at different times of day, but I can't seem to predict when I will be sleepy, except I'm always sleepy all evening after 6 or 7 p.m., though I now often stay up until midnight or 1 with Shannon.

Plus, the nausea is back in a major way. I'm assuming this is because of the reduction (and now elimination) of the Seroquel. I've just been feeling atrociously nauseated the past few days, starting around 3 or 4 p.m. and continuing pretty much all evening.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do with my meds.

1. I'm not sure under what circumstances I'm supposed to increase the Latuda (the meds doc only referred to insomnia) or what time of day I should be taking it or if it's helping at all.

2. I'm not sure that the Xanax XR is doing anything at all. My anxiety has been so so terrible lately that I've been occasionally taking an additionaly non-extended-release 5 mg of Xanax (which the meds doc said was okay), and even that doesn't get rid of all of it.

I totally flipped out at Shannon this morning, just sort of dissolving into a whirlwind of anxiety that baffled him. He's been very patient, but I feel like I'm clinging to a cliff face by my fingernails and it takes only the slightest nudge or gust of wind to send my body swaying out over the crevasse or even plummeting into space, arms pinwheeling and mouth open in a silent scream.

I mostly just want to hide and not have to deal with any stimuli whatsoever, including cats, Shannon, email, phone messages, need to pick up medication, problems with the new refrigerator, etc. ad nauseum. I just want to cover my head and hide in a foxhole like I'm in the middle of a war zone.

Okay. Clearly, I should phone my meds doc and leave him a message. I'll do that now.

Oh, and apparently my grandpa -- my mom's dad -- died in June, but no one thought to tell me. It's not like I care much -- I mean, he was a physically and emotionally abusive child-raping asshole and I had no interest in any contact with him -- but it was just weird to learn that he'd been dead for months and I hadn't known.

I'm trying to do art, but it all seems like crap to me. I don't feel depressed, really -- I have emotions and care about things -- but I just haven't been happy with the art.

I'm terribly behind on my email. If you've emailed me and I haven't gotten back to you, I apologize. I'm just overwhelmed.

And I've been listening to "Tom's Diner" over and over again for some reason. I'm obsessed with it. Even when I'm not listening to it, I'm humming it. It is, in my opinion, the most hummable song ever written.
Tags: anxiety, art, crying, depression, family, grandpa, medication, meds doc, meds-lamictal, meds-latuda, meds-seroquel, meds-xanax, meds-zoloft

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