Kimberly (kimberly_a) wrote,

  • Mood:

Communication in its various guises

Tired and nauseated today, but not as tired or as nauseated as yesterday. Ya gotta appreciate the small favors.

I've had relationship talks with two very important people in my life in the past week or two, and they went remarkably similarly, I wasn't happy with the situation and wanted more support; I thought about some specifics that would make me happier; I talked to the person and expressed what I wanted and/or needed for better support; I asked for what i wanted; I felt as if I wasn't really heard; and I didn't get much of what I wanted. The same progression in both cases. Bu t still feel good about speaking up, because once upon a time, I had a hard time even recognizing my own emotions, let alone figuring out what I might want to do about them, let alone actually asking for what I wanted. So I'm proud of myself, even if I didn't really get what I wanted in either case, my feelings were hurt in both cases, and I'm frustrated in both cases. At least I've gotten to the point of being able to do as much as I can do to get more happiness in my life. After I've asked, it's up to the other person, but whether I get what I ask for or not, at least I'm speaking up and feeling good about my own stuff.

I've been feeling the same way about art lately. Some of my work lately has been depressing (such as the collage I posted a couple days ago), but I still feel good doing it. It makes me feel better, just expressing myself, and I like to look at the stuff -- even the depressing stuff -- frequently after it's done, and share it with other people, because it's me. It's me understanding myself and putting myself out there and proclaiming my truth. It makes me feel strong and powerful and amazing. So I'm going to put the "I Am Not" collage on my wall in my office, because speaking my truth -- even when it's ugly or needy or depressing -- is something I'm proud of.

Last night, when I was feeling utterly wretched, I decided to do some extensive organization of my collage supplies, and it was a great distraction. Pretty much anything to do with art lately has been a big help. So I was dividing up my clippings into images of people, or animals, or plants, or words, or Buddhism, or reading/writing/books, or Christmas, or red/green/blue/purple/black/silver/gold,etc. I spent a couple hours just sorting pieces of paper into piles, and it helped my mood a lot. I felt like I was at least able to do something … I might not be able to do anything about the fatigue or the nausea, but I could still work on art, even if it was only the organization that makes the actual making of the art easier.

So I'm feeling physically icky, but emotionally good. There are things about my life right now that are excellent.
Tags: art, asking for stuff, assertiveness, collage, communication, identity, illness, mood, relationships, self-confidence, self-definition, self-esteem

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