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Platonic Crushes

I get crushes on people.

No, I don't mean romantic or sexual crushes ... I'm a very monogamously-wired gal, and so I don't tend to feel that way toward anyone but my hubby.

I mean platonic crushes. Perhaps they might be better termed "intellectual crushes" or something like that. I get crushes on people I think are really really cool, for whatever reason.

What does it mean, that I have a crush on someone? It means that when they say something nice about me (in email, in person, in a comment on my journal, etc.), it makes me especially happy. It means that when they agree with something I've said, I feel extra super-duper smart and proud. It means that I admire them and feel that I can learn things from them.

I've never had stalkerish tendencies, so I'm not someone to worry about in that regard. But, yes, I do develop crushes on people sometimes, which mostly just means that when I encounter them -- whether it be in person, in print, or whatever -- I find myself thinking, "Wow. S/he is so neat!"

Yeah, okay, so I've got a couple of LJ crushes right now. I won't name names, lest I embarrass anyone ... but suffice it to say that a lot of you folks are just really incredibly wonderful, and I'm glad to have encountered you all.

Comments

( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
lulabellafp
Dec. 1st, 2002 07:21 pm (UTC)
Yesyesyes. I have several platonic crushes myself.

ahem.
kimberly_a
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:18 pm (UTC)
Nice to know it isn't just me and one of my weirdnesses. It's interesting that this same sort of phenomenon happens regularly among kids, which results in someone being your "best friend" for some certain length of time (sometimes a fairly short period), and it's considered completely normal. But in adults, it's viewed as romantic or sexual, and considered embarrassing. It's as if adults in our culture aren't supposed to have strong feelings toward each other, even transient ones, unless it's about sex. I wonder why that is.
lulabellafp
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:25 pm (UTC)
Yes - this bothers me very much. I cringe whenever people use the "women and men can't be friends" argument from "When Harry Met Sally" - it cheapens and reduces friendships that people have.
wolfieboy
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:35 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
I cringe whenever people use the "women and men can't be friends" argument

Such people need to think with something other than their 'nads sometimes. (Yes, women hve 'nads too. They're figurative rather than actual.)

Such arguments also tend to ignore sexual attraction between members of the same gender but I don't go there...
lulabellafp
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:01 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
I know, it's a heteronormative idea in itself, which I find offensive in general.
wolfieboy
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:37 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
cindygerb and I are taking delight in the term 'heteronormative'. It's obvious what it means and I'm sure I've seen it before but it's not a standard part of my lexicon.
lulabellafp
Dec. 2nd, 2002 06:19 am (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
Haha, yeah! It's a perfectly cromulent word! I took a lot of classes in which Foucault was standard reading, and it was quite a buzzword when I was in college.
wolfieboy
Dec. 3rd, 2002 03:48 am (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
I've never had the chance to take such courses although they might be interesting. I've read Foucault and discussed such things a lot.

I had to look up cromulent too. So, how is it different than 'fine'? I always love words that have a subtle flavour difference.
lulabellafp
Dec. 3rd, 2002 06:29 am (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
It's just a Simpsons reference. I'm not sure exactly what it means - I don't think anyone does.

:-p
wolfieboy
Dec. 5th, 2002 12:14 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
I actually found it at Urban Dictionary. The same fellow added several words that looked simpsonesque, so your origin is probably correct. I took the opportunity to add sapiosexuality to their dictionary of course...
lulabellafp
Dec. 5th, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
I love finding random people who've added sapoiosexuality to their interests list - I always check to see whom they read in common with you, but sometimes it's nobody - it's a successful meme!

catamorphism
Dec. 2nd, 2002 11:11 am (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
(Yes, women hve 'nads too. They're figurative rather than actual.)

Um, except in the case of women who have ovariectomies, women's 'nads are no more "figurative" than men's. :-)
slipjig
Dec. 2nd, 2002 07:27 pm (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
Or if she has the Nads Miracle Hair-Removal System from Australia. (As seen on TV! Order now!)
wolfieboy
Dec. 3rd, 2002 03:50 am (UTC)
Re: "women and men can't be friends" (Pfeh)
What I was speaking of, 'nads are always figurative on both men and women. Testicles might be real but 'neds exist solely in conceptual space. (Hmm. A Platonic set of 'nads. *giggle*)
kimberly_a
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:44 pm (UTC)
My mother (it's interesting that she has such a presence in this journal, given how little I actually talk to her in real life) particularly has trouble understanding how I can be friends with someone I've slept with in the past. (There were at least 3 of my former lovers at my wedding, and one of them was an usher.) Mom seems honestly unable to understand how I can do it.

I once explained to her that I thought this disconnect was the result of the fact that, unlike her, I only sleep with men I like.
xiphias
Dec. 2nd, 2002 04:37 am (UTC)
*Snrch*

That's probably part of it. But I think there's also something in some people's mind that Sex Is Different And Should Only Be Done With "The One" -- and so, if you've broken up with someone with whom you've had sex, then that person is clearly not "The One", and that person is clearly Broken And Wrong For Not Being "The One", so of course you can't be friends with someone with whom you've had sex: people with whom you've had sex are in only two categories: "The One" and Not "The One."
kimberly_a
Dec. 2nd, 2002 11:21 am (UTC)
Hm ... that's a very interesting point. I think you're right. It also made me realize that my mom has never (to the best of my knowledge, and my mom has talked with me about this quite a bit) been friends with anyone she has slept with ... even while she was sleeping with them. Romance/sex and friendship are very separate in her head. Sex is about finding "The One" ... whereas I don't see it that way. I've loved several people very deeply. I'm grateful every day that my hubby and I found each other, but I don't believe in the concept of "The One".
(Deleted comment)
kimberly_a
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:23 pm (UTC)
I think I first became aware that I do this when I became involved with a zine several years ago. One of the other women involved in the zine is just amazing. Her name is Jane, and I got to meet her in person just last year, and my hubby got to meet her, too. The hubby and I talked afterward, and we were both just utterly in love with her ... in a completely non-sexual sense. She's just a really wonderful person. Ack. I owe her email.
wolfieboy
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:32 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
I know exactly what you mean by platonic crushes. I've got several right now. Not being monogamously wired, I find it interesting to compare the platonic and non-platonic ones.
kimberly_a
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:39 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
I'm familiar with making the same sort of comparison, from times when I was single. (I've always been pretty monogamously-wired, as I discovered by being in a non-monogamous relationship in which I didn't care if my partner saw other people but I had no interest in doing so.) For me, personally, there's a sort of physical rush that accompanies the non-platonic ones, which isn't there for the platonic crushes. When it comes to my platonic crushes, the rush seems to be purely emotional/intellectual.
wolfieboy
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:41 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
It seems like you're talking about NRE which I don't seem to get. For me, the rush feels different although it's remarkably similar. I've noticed that my judgement isn't always the best for about a week into the beginning of the crush in either case. I am glad that others get platonic crushes as well. :)

P.S. A friend described NRE as feeling similar to the rush from cocaine only *much* more expensive...
kimberly_a
Dec. 1st, 2002 10:51 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
Note: For anyone reading these comments who may be feeling confused, NRE = "New Relationship Energy" ... i.e., that rush of excitement at the beginning of a new relationship. (It's a pretty common acronym in the polyamory communities I'm familiar with.)

I definitely get NRE, and for a while I thought maybe I was sort of addicted to it. I've never done any illegal drugs, but I've certainly made some dumb relationship decisions based on surging hormones.

P.S. A friend described NRE as feeling similar to the rush from cocaine only *much* more expensive...

That is hysterical. I'll have to remember that one, because in my experience it is frighteningly true!
wolfieboy
Dec. 1st, 2002 11:02 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
Sorry. I never even thought of defining NRE when I probably should've.
kimberly_a
Dec. 2nd, 2002 12:14 am (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
I've got ya covered. As a woman who walks in two worlds (monogamous marriage & numerous poly friends), I'm just accustomed to translating. :)
palmir
Dec. 2nd, 2002 10:50 am (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
As one who has few polyamorous friends, I'm all sortsa confused.

What's NRE got to do with polyamory (Better phrasing: What's the connection between the two)? Or is it just there that the acronym's used? Because from your brief description, seems to me that I've had it for the first few weeks of each relationship that I've been in, and I'm pretty monogamously wired. So... yeah. Clarification would be helpful :)
kimberly_a
Dec. 2nd, 2002 11:13 am (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
NRE is a fairly important concept for discussion in poly because of the fact that it can (and does) affect existing relationships.

So say, for example, that I have one partner with whom I've been deliriously happy for 5 years. We're poly. I meet someone new and start up a relationship with that new person, also. Well, my partner of 5 years is likely to be getting a lot less of my attention and energy for a few weeks, and might feel a bit neglected or unimportant. But, really, it isn't due to any problems in that long-term relationship ... I'm just experiencing NRE, and it'll get back to normal after a while.

Therefore, it's really important in the poly community to consider NRE as a potential factor, so that people don't take it personally. Otherwise, it can make polyamory pretty painful, even for folks who might otherwise be able to deal with it very well.

If you get NRE (as I do), then you've probably noticed this affecting your friendships. You might find that when you get involved in a new romance, your friends start feeling a bit neglected. Well, this just gets magnified when it's a lover who's feeling neglected.
palmir
Dec. 2nd, 2002 12:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Platonic crushes
Ooo, that makes sense. I've never been in a relationship that's actually affected my friendships; the friendships were already changing (ie, going long-distance as I went to college) before I had my first relationship. Each one has taken all my energy and attention away from other things, though, and I can see it affecting friendships and such, so yeah... makes sense and stuff. Thanks :)
lost_tumbleweed
Dec. 1st, 2002 09:40 pm (UTC)
that's pretty neat. it sounds like you have a passion for living and all it has to offer. :)
duckienikki
Dec. 2nd, 2002 04:01 am (UTC)
Hehe that's cute. I do that too, I have crushes on my most of my friend list at times. :D If I was someone's crush, I'd be so honored.
juleskicks
Dec. 2nd, 2002 01:23 pm (UTC)
Aww! ^^ I know how that is. My friends list is chock-full of cool people.
caersidi
Dec. 5th, 2002 06:59 am (UTC)
I certainly have platonic crushes including on some LJ friends though in some cases these have grown into mutual platonic love.

There is still all the emotion associated with love and it does often make me pause and think about it.



( 32 comments — Leave a comment )

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