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Dreams of abandonment

Weird dreams last night about people moving out and leaving me behind (possibly due to recent conversations about whether my moving to the Bay Area was an abandonment of my brother and/or whether my mom moving to Florida was an abandonment of me):

In the dream right before I woke up this morning, I was living with a housemate (I think it was my friend Sharon in England, who was never my housemate but we did live in the same dorm), and she had decided to move out very suddenly. It had something to do with wanting to move out before her work knew, so that she could have some time before they wanted her to start interviewing people (because for some reason her moving was going to mean they would need to hire another person, not to replace her but to help her). As she packed up her stuff, the apartment looked very empty, especially the bookcases.

Pretty sure it was in the same dream: I had a baby, still an infant, and the woman who I’d hired to take care of her when I wasn’t around wore these strange, Roman-sandal-looking leather laces up both her forearms. I hadn’t asked about them, but at some point she started talking about them (while she was leaning ominously over my baby’s crib), and they had some freaky meaning, like each cross of the leather related to some bad deed that she wanted to do but wouldn’t allow herself, or someone she’d harmed, or something like that … something that made me think, “I need to get this freaky violent lady away from my kid!”

For some reason, I thought I might be less lonely in Sharon’s absence if I started taking my baby with me to work each day. (I did this with Cobweb and Munchkin for the first couple weeks I had them, when they were tiny kittens.) I wasn’t sure my boss would be okay with it, though, or if I’d be able to do my job effectively while also taking care of a baby.

Pretty sure it was in the same dream: The authorities found a dead body, and I saw them lifting it in the distance with a crane. I thought they were lifting it out of a lake, and that it was someone who’d drowned, and I thought maybe the body was bloated and that’s why I couldn’t make any sense out of the shape. I thought maybe it was a pregnant lady, and that’s why the shape was so weird. It turned out that it was actually a young guy, and he’d been hit by a car near CWC. The person telling me referred to a very dangerous “jump crossing” in the area, and said that the guy had been hit there & that I should be careful when crossing the street. (This was all surely a reference to the 19-year-old guy who got shot and killed near CWC about a week ago.)

Pretty sure it was in the same dream: I was helping some man, maybe working for him, when I overheard him telling someone he was going to plant phones (and I was somehow helping him with the phones, unknowingly) on 20 people in downtown Berkeley, and he was going to target “tech-oriented people” (which made me think in the dream that Shannon would be in danger for some reason), and the planted phones would have some kind of incriminating material that would get them in trouble with the police. I wasn’t sure what to do about the whole thing, how to protect his intended victims, but I thought I could at least warn Shannon and anyone I knew to watch their bags and pockets & make sure no one was able to plant anything on them.

But the dream ended with me back at the apartment, and Sharon’s boyfriend or father (her dad actually died the year I was in Scotland) or Guy of Some Sort was there picking up the last of her stuff, and the apartment looked completely barren, almost like all *my* stuff was gone, too. I was trying to think about how this could be a good thing, how I could rearrange my stuff and take advantage of all the extra room, especially on the bookcases, but mostly I felt sad, and said (presumably to the guy hauling the boxes away) that it was going to be very lonely without her.

———

In a completely separate dream earlier in the night, I dreamed that I was living with my friend Julia and some third housemate (not Crystal). Julia and I were close, but the third housemate didn’t really connect with us, so she didn’t hang around the apartment with us much, so I didn’t know her very well.

Third Housemate Girl decided she was going to move out, and her dad came to pick up her stuff, and he was a scary, criminal-type guy. I didn’t like having him in our house! But he was boxing up her stuff, so we let him get to it. He tried to make conversation with me, but I was totally scared of him & so avoided him. (Ernie reference?)

Then Julia got a notice that she’d gotten another apartment she’d applied for, and it was going to have much more affordable rent and be just generally a lot better for her, so she was moving out, too! While I didn’t care much about Third Housemate Girl moving out, I was really sad that Julia was going to move! But then Julia said that I could come with her to the new place, though it would be much smaller, and we could just share the cheaper rent. I wasn’t sure this would work, though, because I definitely need a private room of my own where I can close the door and get solitude when I need it & it seemed unlikely that the new apartment would be large enough for that to be feasible. The dream ended without the question being resolved.

What’s weird is that I wasn’t worried about the practical, pragmatic things that immediately come to mind when I’m *awake*, such as “How can I afford the rent if my housemates leave?” or “Do I need to find new housemates?” In both dreams, I was only worried about the social aspect, mostly about being lonely (and needing my own space).

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