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Weight Gain

I've been feeling very unhappy with my weight lately. I took Seroquel for 3 weeks (as part of our attempts to treat my recent mood issues), and I gained 10 pounds during those 3 weeks! (Seroquel is evil!) I'd already been heavier than I like, due to the sedentary lifestyle the recent health problems had been encouraging/requiring, and this additional 10 pounds just seems to have pushed me over some kind of boundary that makes most of my favorite clothes not fit me anymore. I keep forgetting this fact and trying to put things on ... and finding that they are too tight ... and then feeling bad about myself as a result.

And most of my bras are uncomfortably tight at the moment, which just sucks every single day. People who don't wear bras can't understand how rotten it can make your life if your bras are too small and pinch and squeeze and just generally make you feel like a mammary sausage.

I told Shannon how I've been feeling about my weight and my clothes, and his response was something to the effect of, "Of course I want you to be at a weight that is healthy for you, but your weight has no affect on my attraction to you." He's said this sort of thing before, and it helps a lot with my ongoing, lifelong struggle to focus on health rather than appearance. He rocks. Seriously.

He also reminded me that my weight will naturally begin to change when the bronchitis is truly gone and I'm able to increase my physical activity ... but I'm not there quite yet. When I got some moderate exercise on Thursday & Friday, the cough returned a bit over the weekend. But there has been improvement. The cough didn't come back this weekend like a roaring monster again ... just a mild annoyance that kept me from sleeping a couple times. It really didn't come back as badly as it has when I overdid my physical activity on a considerably less severe level even a few weeks ago ... so I think I'm getting better. But I can't get the kind of exercise I'd like quite yet.

So, for the moment, I stay fat, and my clothes continue to not fit.

Part of the problem is that my efforts to rest (to help with the bronchitis) mean that I haven't been doing the laundry, and so many of the clothes that currently make me feel attractive (and I do have quite a few of these) stay in the laundry basket for weeks after I wear them, and eventually I start to run out, which leads me to try to wear the things that don't fit anymore, leading to the self-recrimination cycle.

So today I went out into the garage & rummaged through my bins of clothes that fit me at various different weights (since my weight has never been very stable & I keep clothes from all my various weights for future use). The number of clothes I love that are size 6 (and smaller!) were a bit saddening, given the fact that I currently wear a 14, but I think I dealt with it quite well & didn't get all down on myself, instead focusing on finding things that might fit me well now & make me feel better about myself now. I found 3 bras that fit well, one shirt, and a really nice dress that is comfy and makes me feel pretty, so I count the effort a major success.

I don't plan to stay at this weight in the long term, as I think I'm heavier than is healthy for me & heavier than I naturally tend to be when I'm getting a reasonable amount of physical exercise, but I want to feel good about myself during this temporary period of being larger. I think I'm doing a good job of working on that.

Yay me!

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